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How to Deal With and Recognize an Abusive Person

January 3, 2009

This morning I woke up to screaming and shouting. Someone who lives below me in my six floor apartment building was shouting to her sister, “I’m taking a shower, shut the F*** up!”, “Go ahead call mom”, “You’re a homeless dirty slob and everyone knows it”, “You haven’t taken a shower in two days”… It bothered me so much I shouted, “I am going to call the cops!”, just to stop the yelling.

Abuse is by far the most negative, addicting, contagious and impulsive behavior to have been accustomed to.  We all have been introduced to abuse one way or another and some of us become abusive as a result of it. Most of the time, abusers don’t know they are abusive because they have persuasive reasons they “believe” putting someone down, neglecting, hitting, or yelling negatively, is called for.

There are different forms of abuse, different definitions and different types.  In my opinion, abuse is the opposite of positive reinforcement, the opposite of support and is not the best way to convey love.

Here are some definitions of Abuse

Definitions of Abuse

To get inside of an abusers mind we must understand “why” this person is abusive, there are many reasons but mainly it is because someone has been abusive to them. Some people distance themselves, and other just copy and repeat. Let’s delve into it…

An abuser unaware of their abusive behavior usually tries to relive their past with present relationships so they will put other people in your shoes and try to do and learn how to deal with abuse by creating it or reliving it. However, now, they will want full control and will dominate the other person. They subconsciously believe this is helpful and they loose awareness in the pain they cause others.

Here are some characteristics of an abusive person:

Success Fantasies: The abuser believes in fantasies of being rich, famous, or extremely successful in other terms if only other people weren’t holding her back. They’re blocking the way makes the abuser feel justified in getting back at them, including through abuse. The abuser also puts other people down as a way of building their self up.

Blaming: The abuser shifts responsibility for certain actions to others, which allows the abuser to be angry at the other person for “causing” the behavior. For example: “If you would stay out of it while I am disciplining the kids, I could do it without hitting them.”

Excuse Making: Instead of accepting responsibility for certain actions, the abuser tries to justify their behavior with excuses. For example, “My parents never loved me,” or “My parents beat me,” or “I had a bad day, and when I walked in and saw this mess I lost my temper,” or “I couldn’t let him talk to me that way, there was nothing else I could do.”

Redefining: The abuser redefines the situation so that the problem lies not with the abuser but with others or the outside world. For example: The abuser doesn’t come home at 6 p.m. for dinner as prearranged; he or she comes home at 4 a.m. The abuser says, “You’re an awful cook anyway. Why should I come home to eat this stuff? I bet the kids wouldn’t even eat it.”

Making Fools of Others: The abuser combines tactics to manipulate others. The tactics include lying, upsetting the other person just to watch his reactions, and provoking a fight between or among others. She may try to charm the person she wants to manipulate, pretending a great deal of interest in and concern for that person in order to get on his good side.

Assuming: Abusive people often assume they know what others are thinking or feeling. Their assumption allows them to justify their behavior because they “know” what the other person would think or do in a given situation. For example: “I knew you’d be mad because I went out for a drink after work, so I figured I might as well stay out and enjoy myself.”

Emotional Dependence: Abusive individuals are usually very emotionally dependent on their spouse. The result of their inner rage at being dependent means that the abuser acts in controlling ways to exert power and to deny their own weakness.One major symptom is strong jealousy and possessive actions, normally sexual in nature. The abuser will spend a great deal of time monitoring their spouses activities. The abuser lacks supportive relationships. Another sign of dependence is the effect of what happens when the abused person leaves the home because of the abuse. It is common for the abuser to make extraordinary attempts to persuade them to return.

Lying: The abuser manipulates by lying to control information. The abuser may also use lying to keep other people, including the victim, off-balance psychologically. For example: The abuser tries to appear truthful when actually lying, or tries to look deceitful when actually telling the truth.

Rigid Application of Traditional Sex Attitudes: Abusive spouses tend to have more inflexible beliefs about roles and functions of their spouses in the marriage. The wife may expect the husband to over fulfill all the financial needs and household/parenting chores.

Drama and Excitement: Abusive people have trouble experiencing close, satisfying relationships. They substitute drama and excitement for closeness. Abusive people find it exciting to watch others become angry, get into fights, or fall into a general uproar. Often, they’ll use a combination of tactics to set up an exciting situation.

Closed Channel: The abusive person does not tell much about personal details and real feelings. The abuser is not open to new information about herself either, such as someone else’s thoughts about them personally. The abuser is secretive, close-minded and self-righteous. Abusers believe they are right in all situations.

Ownership: The abuser typically is very possessive. Moreover, the abuser believes that anything that is wanted should be owned, and that the abuser can do as wanted with anything that is hers. The same attitude applies to people. It justifies controlling others’ behavior, physically hurting them and taking things that belong to them.

Poor Anger Management: Individuals who have experienced a violent and abusive childhood are more likely to grow up and become spouse abusers. A person who sees violence as the primary method for settling differences as a child is not going to have very many alternate ways available to channel anger. A person without an everyday outlet for anger risks exploding toward the people closest to them.

Minimizing: The abuser ducks responsibility for abusive actions by trying to make them seem less important than they are. For example: “I didn’t hit you that hard”, or “I only hit one of the kids. I could have done them all.”

Fragmentation: The abuser usually keeps the abusive behavior separate from the rest of her life. The separation is physical; for example, the abuser will beat up family members but not people outside the home. The separation is also psychological; for example, it is not uncommon for an abuser to attend church Sunday morning and beat the victim Sunday night. The abuser sees no inconsistency in this behavior and feels justified in it.

Above the Rules: As mentioned earlier, abusers generally believe they are better than other people and so don’t have to follow the rules that ordinary people do. That attitude is typical of convicted criminals, too. Each inmate usually believes that while all the other inmates are criminals, she is not. An abuser shows above-the-rules thinking in saying, “I don’t need counseling. Nobody knows as much about my life as I do. I can handle my life without help from anybody.

Self-glorification: The abuser usually thinks of herself as strong, superior, independent and self-sufficient. When anyone says or does anything that doesn’t fit this glorified self-image, the abuser takes it as an insult.

Inability to express feelings with words: This type of person is rarely capable of true intimacy and may feel very threatened by the prospect of being open and vulnerable. Particularly when frustrated, the abusive person expects instant gratification from their spouse who is expected to “read” their mind and “know” what their mate wants. When the mate doesn’t know what is expected the wife may interpret this as meaning they do not really love them. Therefore with an abusive individual, rejection = violence.

Vagueness: Thinking and speaking vaguely lets the abuser avoid responsibility. Example: “I’m late because I had to do something on the way home.”

My advice on dealing with abuse is by practicing patience, staying away from the abuser if possible , think logically (understand this is a sickness and that what the person says is a lie they make up to make themselves feel powerful), respond in silence or brief answers, “Okay”, “I see”, “Think about that”, or simply IGNORE THEM, they do not like this because it doesn’t feed them. They want to hurt you to make themselves feel better. If you want to make an effort for resolution, once the fire burns down, let them know they have a problem and let them know how it negatively affects them and yourself. If they agree by acknowledging and wanting to change, then offer them support, but if they continue, you will have to separate yourself from them. Please remember that an abuser is typically dishonest and displays the characteristics above. In certain cases, it can take a year or so for an abusive person to show you this side of his or herself. If this person is physically abusive, you must get help and find a way to get out of that situation.

If you are a victim of abuse and have no one to talk to, please, go to Abuse Victim Hotline

34 Comments leave one →
  1. January 3, 2009 9:34 pm

    i have to say the last thing i ever thought that would happen to me is to fall into an abusive relationship. the warning signs were all there, it started slowly with jealous words and slight treats, he even told me jealousy is part of love. then the “no one would ever love you like me”, that “you am a no one”, “a nobody”, “a piece of “shit” “(his words). i have just ended a marraige of 8years when i met my abuser. i went out with my friends one night and still seperate from my husband i was confused with my own life and what or where to go. i danced and kissed a guy that night and thought to be honost to my perhaps new man.he was so upset yet calm we were just lying on the bed talking, then he told me if we were in his country he would tie me up to a bed and burn me! .grabbing my arms , pushing to against the wall, putting his hands around my troat, spitting in my face, trowing drinks in my face, and all of the above happened to me all started happening frequantly. then he lashed out and beat me up one night when i told him i might leave him,during this conversation he drank half a bottle of vodca in 10minutes! then he started hitting me in the face over and over again,he broke a glass over my head and threw me on the bed, sitting ontop of me he ripped my clothes of and then strangelled me with his forearm, later he even grabbed a knife telling me that this was the night i was going to die, i really thought to myself that this was it, this was my life and the end of it… after an hour he left and soon later that night he phoned me to tell me he still loves me! it still took me another 4years to break free of him, but that day any love i had for him died. why did i go back to a man that did that to me, you may ask, well he knew all my deepest darkest secrets that he charmed me to entrusted him with he used against me that could have destoyed everything my life. but i am free of his grip, i still see him at work but i am strong now. i feel good about myself but when i think about what has happened i feel so alone and traumatised.

  2. lyricspoetic permalink*
    January 4, 2009 2:28 am

    Thank you for sharing that Charlene. I am touched by your testimony and I am very relieved that you are free now. Your story is moving and I too have people close to me that have been through a similar situation. Your story can help a lot of people be strong. I definitely see the beauty and courage it reinforces to me. Thank you for being a part of the blog.

    ~ Lyric

  3. Karen permalink
    January 7, 2009 9:23 am

    Thanks for sharing!

  4. What's My 1 Purpose? permalink
    February 5, 2009 10:12 am

    I have been in abusive situation one to many times. When I moved to Florida, I lived with my father and he was a substance abuser. A lot of times he would take his anger out on me. It wasn’t physical but the emotional stress what brutal. patience and a hobby was probably the only thing that help me. It hard.

  5. Camille permalink
    June 1, 2009 2:52 pm

    Thank you for sharing your story. It will bring healing to someone out there.

    Much Love

    • lyricspoetic permalink*
      June 4, 2009 9:43 am

      Thank you for seeing the good in it…

  6. November 7, 2009 10:17 am

    Wow, Lyric!! This is an absolutely outstanding article on the dynamics of an abuser!!! I’ve been an astrologer and therapist for a really long time, but I’ve never seen such a clear explanation. I’m running a series on the transiting Pluto-Saturn square and how to use it to make your life better. There’s no better way to makeover your life than by leaving abusive relationships behind.

    Would you allow me to reprint the article on my blog Skywriter ( featuring you as a guest blogger? I’d like to see it get wider exposure–it could help many people. Congratuations, Donna Cunningham

  7. Diane Elizabeth permalink
    April 6, 2010 9:42 pm

    A neighbor of mine fits this description to a tee. Thanks for helping me understand her behavior.

  8. April 12, 2010 6:52 pm

    I am trembling, my heart is beating fast, my head is shaking, i am feeling out of breath, and my period is heavier… since I have been shouted by my partner.He come to pick me up at work just to scream at me on our way home , and he raised his voice all the way through telling me not to accept a new job because that would cause a rift in his family, he didn’t let me finnish my explanation, he was accusing me all the way through of having done something i didn’t… then when we got home he cooked a meal offered me some and didnt speak to me for te rest of the evening. He seems to enjoy seeing me cry and then he will pat me on the head saying dont cry or he might be dismissive and say dont turn on the water works.We live together with his two sisters. His two sisters abused me for two years when he wasnt in good terms with them,they call me names, left abusive notes, they would move my belonging around etc.But he didnt support me he told me to ignore that things would get better in time, I was helping him financially then.(his bills) I am not in speaking terms with his two sisters , in fact I totally despise them. This people bring the worst feeling in me , I love him i think but, we have been together for 7 years and knoe each other for 10 years.I dont know wats happening but I feel that the stress is killing me slowly.. I havent told anyone… not even my own family.He likes to keep up appearances in front of everyone, and then puts me down when we are home. He only works occasionly. He is not always bad yesterday gave me a pedicure and makes sure to pick me so I dont get the night bus but then he thinks he can be manipulative… Please tell me am i leaving with an abusive man beacause i am confused.! I am in a lot of distress..

    • lyricspoetic permalink*
      July 22, 2010 1:16 pm

      This reply is long overdue but I recommend you leave your relationship and seek guidance. Any relationship that has you feeling ill and where one person manipulates the other or hurts the other, that is a clear indication that you must search within and make moves far away from that individual.

  9. Ashley permalink
    July 30, 2010 4:50 am

    I relate the most to Chrissy. I’m with someone from Mexico. He’s been here 7 years now. We met last year and everything was wonderful! He was everything I lacked in my ex-boyfriend. For once, I had a REAL man taking care of me emotionally and romantically. I was ecstatic always to brag about him. All the little things I did, like wash and fold his laundry when we first moved in together, or surprise him with little love notes- he ate it all up. He couldn’t believe I did these things because he’d never had it before. I was thrilled to do it because we loved each other so much. He took me on dates (I never did this with my ex, so I was SUPER happy), made so many sweet gestures- like being proud to hold my hand and cuddle me close. He was so wonderful and caring to me. I completely accepted him into my life and I was under the impression he wanted to stay here with me in the states. He even stated he wanted to marry me. I guess not anymore. In the past year he has become super emotionally abusive. All because of something he read about in my journal about a guy I was pursuing before he ever came into my life. He just.. clicked one day and never went back to his old self. To name a few things he’s done over the past year.. he threw me backwards which in turn I fell over a couch and hit my head on a sliding glass door because he had tripped in his drunkeness when I pulled him back inside so he wouldn’t drive off drunk. Good thing I didn’t injure myself. So many nights I slept on the floor because he’d pass out in the bed after a horrile fight and he either told me not to come to bed or I just didn’t feel right laying there next to him. I’d sometimes make a blanket-bed in front of the door afraid he’d leave me in the morning if I fell asleep. He began to hate my family (especially my mother) because of specific differences between them. When we’d fight at home, he’d berate people, like my Grandma or mother- calling them a bitch and stupid for their actions of opinions on things (including us). He even went so far one time when he was drunk to insinuate I was fat. I sat on the bed in shock as he said things like “Why would I want to stay with someone like you? I don’t know what I was thinking… look at you!” And I responded with “Are you calling me fat?” as I choked back tears. He said “What do you think? Think what you want.” I only weighed 159 at the time- and I’d recently gotten to it from 180 lbs. He would comment on how my make up was too strong because I put eyeliner on my bottom lid. So I stopped because he didn’t like it. He disliked if I didn’t straighten my hair (it’s naturally wavy). I cut my hair the style he liked on girls at the time. He always commented on how I never exercise if I was self-conscience about my image because of his constant jibes and jokes about the sexy latinas on his spanish shows. They made me jealous because he’s openly said he likes bodies to be thin and fit- not fat. He’d flip flop between romantic, loving days to horrible, ignoring me for hours and calling me degrating names like bitch, stupid, pendeja (spanish for dumb ass), etc., due to our fights. He’d tell me I need a doctor because of how I thought- like specific opinions about us. Now he says things to me like “no is no.” And he tries to tell me what to do and how to act because apparently I’m not “mature” enough to him. He’s 29 and I’m 21. He’s says I lack experience in the life (that apparently HE has). I feel so trapped. I know it’s not logical to stay with someone like him… I guess I’m still so confused how he changed the way he did. He was SO different. If I upset him with arguing or trying to prove my point in a fight, he’ll ignore me the rest of the day until he sees fit to talk to me again. I think of that as control- because he’s controlling when we talk again. I don’t have any control anymore over us. He has it all. He’s even admitted he doesn’t want to get married right now and how he refuses to get his papers to be legal because my parents brought it up once. He says he won’t do it now and I have my family to thank for this misfortune because he is determined to prove to them that he’s not with me for papers- he’s with me because he wants to be. But they only brought it up because they want the best for me and want to make sure we don’t have a hard life working around his status here. They want us happy and carefree.. but he never understands that. He’s always looking at things SO cynical! I don’t even know why I’m with him at times, but then other times I get roped right back in and I don’t know how to break free. I think it’s the fact that he’s not worried at all if we break up. If we did, he’d rather eat dirt than ever beg for someone back- even if he loved them. He tries to say if they want to leave, then he won’t bother them anymore. He’ll just disappear. Maybe its the fear that I wouldn’t see him again that bothers me. We had so much good before and now I don’t know anymore… I’ve cried SO much over him in the past year. And I can’t even do THAT in front of him!! He’s gets more mad! He tells me “you know I’m more irritated when you cry” or “you cry and I’m very f*ckin’ mad with you right now”. WTF!?!?!?

  10. Ashley permalink
    July 30, 2010 4:58 am

    And I forgot to mention above somewhere in the middle about my appearance: he even made me go through all my clothes a month or two after he read my journal and saw that entry- and throw out anything that’d I’d worn with my ex or the guys I’d been with before him!! REALLY! I had to throw away so many pieces of clothing that was special to me. Like an ice cream shirt my grandpa bought me in Ohio and brought back for me one year. And the Irish clover pajama bottoms my mom bought special one Christmas. I even threw out any old underwear that I hadn’t bought while I was with him because it made him remember who I’d been with physically before he came into my life. So I turned around and had him do the same with his boxers to be fair. But it wasn’t fair. I had a huge garbage bag full of clothes, and he had a handful. Not to mention- he made me pick ONE purse of mine to keep out of my box of hand bags that I loved so much. Apparently this was a problem for him, too- reminding him of my life before with other men. Well.. a few months back I went through that throw-out box that would be going to GoodWill, and I picked some of my other favorites back out and kept them though he was mad!

    • lyricspoetic permalink*
      July 31, 2010 8:54 am

      Ashley, find it within yourself to know you deserve respect and love. The past no longer exists, Although it was once good, insecurities make a man feel powerless, ego-less, and in turn some may start to begin to behave abusively. Abuse is tolerated by us all because we wait for the moment for someone to change, but think about it, wouldn’t you be happier without someone putting you down all the time? Wouldn’t you like to go on dates again and have a man who’s secure in his lady knowing that everyone has a past and that there’s nothing anyone can do about it?

      After reading your old journal passage, it made him feel insecure so now, he’s dug a deep hole for himself by hurting your feelings, conflicting with your family and drinking to numb his own pain and issues. Not to mention, he’s an illegal immigrant, which probably makes him feel out of place. He is with you only because he knows he can gain satisfaction by treating you the way he does.

      People are ever changing and if you don’t love yourself, trust yourself, or have faith in yourself, you sink and treat others like shit.

      Don’t take it personally, just get out of the situation and allow the Creator to give you what you need.

    • December 8, 2010 9:05 am

      you are being bullied.. please leave him… you are young and it sounds to me like you are alot more stable mature and loving than him.. he is a control freak with no control.u CANNOT stay with this jerk..he is too immature..people who cant see how they are at all make this impossible to me..u will meet someone the way i just did my MA in many political and spiritual issues but a large part of it was concentrating on feminism..i detest how the ‘ideal’ beauty,beauty to appease men,more and more pornographic in nature is faunted around the gobal corporate media waves..if he likes the latinas they put on tv tell him to go find one.. be proud of who u are, the mortal body you inhabit, what we concentrate on and the part these immature bullys seem to neglect and vamp out on us with is the importance of care for the soul and care for others souls. if women in society want to appease men and he thinks these tv ‘sexy’ women are what he wants you start to get back power not by becoming them but by rejecting him.. have the chat with him, if u love him, give him these points above and somehow -do u ever communicate arguments in a written format? or record his ranting and obscenities-then write him with his ways and evidence of the cruelty.. is he really in this life to be so uncontrolled and cruel.. also i really have to stess the past is the past..can u help your past.. doesnt sound mega colourful sounds very normal-a few ex’s.. he sees you as an ultimate possession who he should hav had even then, you belong to him, see this!! you dont belong to him if u take some control.. he will forget so easy about his ways thats why im saying get evidence of behaviour listed above.. hey hun, if he wont change acknowldge or go to councilling-he sounds like he needs anger management and to have cognitive behavioural therapy-to make him be able to rationalise-your past is your past!!!!!!!! this shouldnt be a reason to act so skitzo..he isnt showing you love hun, he shud be mostly loving sometimes in moods, do you really believ its rational for u to get shit just cos he cant handle u existed in the past.. if he wont change with the things ive said to do-leave him and look to friends and family for help and get a hobby, music is great for helping us move on…. lets face it some people are simply jerks ok, they are very damaged people, they will realise when they wil that they must change an right now u mite not be the person he does that for, not gettin visa stuff sorted is a control mechanism, dont like this situ u are in at all………………………….sorry if ther are any mistakes in this i am dyslexic and very busy so writing this fast…….everyone should come join me and my husband we have a site about freedom and the people working together called CRITICALUNITY.ORG

  11. October 14, 2010 2:50 pm

    I run a faithbased nonprofit on Sexual Abuse and Prevention and Domestic and Dating Violence out of my home. I have just finished writing four booklet and I would like to use the graphic of the little girl cowering in a corner and a shadow of a man standing over her. Who has the copyright on this graphic and how can I contact them to request permission to use it?

    • Bobby permalink
      February 13, 2012 2:29 am

      I recommend contacting the owner of this website directly and ask for permission.

  12. Caroline permalink
    November 23, 2010 3:36 am

    My sister is abusive to her child. We both come from an abusive home and I have seen her go through abusive romantic relationships. She yells, hits and pinches him. I know that this is wrong and it has caused many problems for me to witness it. I love my sister very much and I understand why she is the way she is. I know that justifies nothing but I am afraid that if I call the authorities she may do something to harm herself. She is alone with no other family except her child. I know I have to do something to stop this abuse but I don’t know how to go about it.

    • December 8, 2010 9:18 am

      WELL.. first of all you are scared she will hurt herself if you call the authorities, if she is stable she shouldnt hurt herself, if she is stable she shouldnt be hurting her child, if she hurts a child this is the major priority for you!!!!!!!!! not her im afraid as she is the adult even though alotta adults still do suffer in the hurt childs mind and heart.. sounds like she needs talking to first, be sympathetic towards her, take someone with u to talk who knows what you are talking about so she cant make out its just you being dillusional, say i love you and i am going to try an help you-is she able to cope with the child alone, i have a child and i cant cope alone i have help-parents and his dad sees him once twice a week, it doesnt sound like she doesnt have help you are there, she sounds like she needs councilling for the past abuse you two have suffered, she may be exhausted too kids are hardwork,she may need a little holiday with a friend, i dont know where you live but u can save and get cheap flights where i am -england… to many parts of the world, in the uk everyone is aways flitting off it keeps ya sane and in love with life and feel like u have aventure and independance in ya.. what is the childs father like???????? if this fails then you tell her and this is respect to as she is your sister that you will not allow your relative-her child-to suffer cos his mum your sister needs to get councilling to deal with her past.. the issue is that people abused can become abusers…. this should be avoided at all costs has she had councilling, psychiactric help,dont get her on seratonin uppers they are plasters on a wound and the plaster comes off and we shouldnt be on these pills the book brave new world dystopia is a warning of this… humans can be better people we just need to stay true to love and truth-the truth of how we are behaving and what is deemed fair behaviour and respect to others around us… she should read the book- ‘ the road less travelled’ ……. if she finds her kid hard to discipline this could be an issue you look into too, little boys are hard work hun. take care
      join me and my husband on CRITICALUNITY.ORG

  13. Danapsdis permalink
    April 14, 2011 1:21 pm

    I have a family member abroad who abuses his wife and his 7 year old boy is depressed. He has mental difficulties also. He wont listen to us – what shall we do?

    • lyricspoetic permalink*
      April 20, 2011 3:16 pm

      Hi Dania,

      It is really difficult to have a family member who is abusive. It is a mental disease that not anyone can fix. The person who has this illness needs to want to change and then seek help. In the meantime, I would call a hot line and get advice. Especially because you don’t want anyone to get hurt no more than they already are. Also, for the sake of the child.

      Hope this helps.

  14. nano permalink
    October 10, 2011 1:19 pm

    i have an abusive father who turned the life of his family into unbearable hell .now the sons and daughter got married and left the house except my mother and a disabled brother .we do not know how to deal with him to prevent him from hurting them .he recently became more abusive and unbalanced emotionally may be due to age .he does not want anyone to know about his acts and hurts them physically when they tell they are his hostages .he rejects any attempt from us to take them from him . we are afraid that he might kill one or both of them . i threatened him once that i would kill him if anything happened to them .he tortured my mother more after that and prevented her from talking or seeing me for two years.she does not know how to deal with him how to talk with him and what to do to protect herself and her son from sever damage .

  15. christopher permalink
    October 23, 2011 6:17 am

    my mother is in a relationship with her second husband that i would define as emotionally and finacially abusive. its her money, yet she allows him to deny her basic compforts and sometimes basic necessities. she often complains to me about it, yet is unwilling or unable to change her situation. he is about to take the last bit of wealth she has to her name. how does one deal with a situation where the abused does not want help…yet the abuser is ruining her?

  16. ginger permalink
    December 18, 2011 2:17 am

    I read this article with somewhat mixed emotions, I have been married for 11 years to a man who seemed kind and caring but it turns out he has sever aspberger’s (sp?) and ADD. He blames me for everthing, we have recently separated and I identified with so much of the description of the abuser..he has never stood up for me with his family and has been emotionally abusive and very guarded with his love throughout our marriage. I have tried to be patient because of his afflictions but he is continuing the abuse even as we are not in the same household. He often yells and screams at me; telling me I am crazy bitch…while I am calm and the is upset and yelling. I love him but after i read this it was like reading a biography of his life actions with me.

  17. Bobby permalink
    February 13, 2012 2:14 am

    I just wanted to say that I love you all, and I hope you all choose to get out of these abusive relationships. Your life will be much better, and you deserve it.

    • saige permalink
      April 24, 2012 12:26 am

      Perhaps I have adeathwish for all you f*cktards that have no brains or manliness to take responsibilities for your own pampered diaper days, you feel like your lovely wife should take all that pentup stress because you’re a big baby. How sad. How pathetic. Ladies, don’t take any sh*t. The law is on your side in most cases, don’t let yourself be a victim. You are stronger than him. Mentally. Verbally. Physically. No man should EVER, I repeat, EVER, lay a hand on you, or be disrespectful. You’re not a dumb bitch, a slutty whore, if anything, he’s a big friggin baby that can’t find anything else to cry about. If you feel endangered, get outta there, with your children, do not look back, go straight to the law. It’s 2012, a new century, get with it or live in the past, your decision.

    • saige permalink
      April 24, 2012 12:36 am

      I got a little carried away thinking personally, sorry, I know circumstances vary within partners. Overall, if you’re unhappy most of the time, and you are the only one trying to compromise, maybe it’s time to find someone who isn’t cutting you down, who isn’t bitching about themselves, who only cares about living happily with YOU. Trivial matters like money, time, jobs, who pulls the weight…it doesn’t matter!

  18. Anonymous permalink
    August 2, 2012 11:57 pm

    My mom beats me alot, and yells at me all the time. She also encourages my older brothers and sisters to beat me and yell at me too. She always tells me im never gping to make it on life, that she wanta to spend me away, that im stupid and calls me other mean names. She tells me im beneath her and my other siblings, and justifies what she does by saying its my fault. She also threatens me alot. I dont like my family and dont want to be around them. I cant leave because im too young. I cant wait till im grown to move out and never see them again, but for now ill just smile through it and A avoid them as much as possible.

  19. lydia permalink
    October 15, 2012 8:48 pm

    To stay silent or just say ok or whatever is the worst thing you can do unless of course you want the behavior to develop into an even more escalaed form. also it gives permission to the abuser and enforces the idea that this is normal and ok to continue.Here you have it .the bully and the victim playing the role of a victim. Outside help is needed professional and medical the spouses family should be available.bullys never back down only to a bigger force than themselves.

  20. Develin permalink
    November 14, 2012 6:20 pm

    Hi ladys and gents;

    I belive that whatever we allow in our lives our children will allow to in some form or another and its up to us as parents to make sure they dont make our same misstakes!
    We all have our flaws. Most of us don`t wanna addmite to them, but by letting one person take control in any part of our lives isn`t a hard thing learning how to take that control back can sometimes be it all deppens on how you go about on doing it. The more control one has the easyer it is to take ones partner forgranted!
    Even if we love the peopple with all our hearts and hope for them to change sometimes it dosent all ways happen. As it is kinda like an addiction but if u tie the bull and grab it by the balls sometimes they are willing to learn or to tuck their tail between their legs and just leave!
    Some people are horrible with to haddel confrontations!
    I realy wish you all the best!!!!!!!
    As i was once in your shoes and i still love the sucker i hope one day he to will change!!

  21. Jade permalink
    January 20, 2013 8:34 pm

    I have to say i had a bad day today i got strangled by his forearm by my husband today for protecting our son from him. I knew he was like this i still love him altho the difference was he never touched any of our kids i even took him to court before and lost me nd my son felt awful but now he has come to a point where he is telling me he is not going anywhere or wevare not allowed to leave him i now have a sudden clarity to leave him with my kids and now i am going to go into hiding so he cannot hurts us anymore

  22. Mike permalink
    April 2, 2013 2:41 pm

    I try to avoid my brother as much as possible as he has been an abuser for years. He now lives 1,000 miles away but I am forced to see him about once a year as my elderly mother cannot travel alone and feels bad if she does not see him annualy. He is the type that screams his head off at you if he does not like the Christmas gift you give him. He gets extremely drunk on weekends, so we avoid ever visiting him on a weekend. If I am paying at a resturant he makes sure he orders lobster, call brands of booze and special (expensive) side dishes, just to run the bill up on me. Last trip I only stayed at his house one night during the week, and spent the rest of the trip with other friends I have in FL. His wife was mad at me for not staying the entire trip with them, however, it was the only trip I enjoyed to FL.

  23. EVELYN DOREE permalink
    November 1, 2013 11:38 am

    me and my boyfriend have been dating for a yr now today i cheated on him 4 times before because he wouldn’t let me go anywhere with my friends or to see my family because he thought that i would cheat on him the only reason i did is because i felt angry and i needed to feel loved i know it was wrong and now he will say things like do this or ill show you how abusive i can be! this morning i was saying goodbye for him to go to work and 5 minutes later he comes in and says the truck is stalling because it needs to warm up. so i go sit in the car with him and i refuse to get out of the car because im scared he will get stuck somewhere and out of nowhere he grabs me by my throat choking me saying do you like being abused and i`m left helpless


  1. Abuse…don’t allow it in your life. « Alaskansnowbaby's Blog
  2. Emotional Abuse Awareness - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people coming out

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